The Saga of the Falsies.

I love beauty … as in the beauty industry. I love makeup. I love skin care. I love trying new products. I love getting free samples in the mail. I love expensive perfume. I love lip gloss. I really, really love brows (hence the reason I’m a microblading artist). I love highlighter and contour. I … love … it … all!

That being said, all beauty products are intended to make you feel beautiful, but not all of them are enjoyable … err, easy to use. What’s that silly saying about beauty being pain? There may be some truth to that.

I have recently discovered liquid eyeliner. I mean, I’ve known it exists – it wasn’t that type of discovery – I’ve just never been a true fan. I’ve attempted to use it a hand full of times over the years, and it’s just never been a good fit for me. I’m guessing it’s all about the application technique, and I’ve obviously always done it wrong. A couple weeks ago, however, I came across, not one, but two tubes (is it called a tube?) of liquid eyeliner stashed in my giant collection of makeup.

So, there we were – the three of us … me, and both of those pretty little black and shiny pink tubes. I was like, “Adrianne, you are 38 years old. It’s time you learned how to apply liquid eyeliner properly.” Now, I have watched many a makeup tutorial on YouTube, Instagram, etc, so I am a little more confident in my abilities at this point. I gave it a whirl and it worked! I liked it! Yay me!

Fast forward to this morning. On Fridays, my daughters get out of school at noon. We usually grab lunch and then do whatever we want until my oldest has dance lessons. Well, a little side note, my brother and sister in law are having their first baby in April, and the baby shower is this weekend. So, today, after lunch, me and the three kiddos planned on going to Target to baby shop!

Well, for some reason, in my mind, Target seems like a reason to dress up. By “dress up”, I obviously mean printed leggings instead of solid black, cute shoes, and a full face of makeup. Tell me, I’m not the only mom who shares this sentiment. I know I’m not. I can’t be.

Anyway, back on track . Today, full makeup consisted of normal things plus my new found love for liquid eyeliner, and are you ready … false eyelashes! Aka, falsies. Aka, what the hell was I thinking?

I get all the rest of my makeup on – primer, foundation, highlighter, contour, concealer, blush, eyeshadow, etc – I mean, after all, I am going to Target. Duh. Now it’s time for the eyeliner. Since I found those tubes (still wondering if you call it a tube?), I’ve only worn makeup about four times, which means only four successful applications. I have been fantasizing about winged eyeliner, though, with each application. Keep this in mind.

Last night, I watched a makeup tutorial and the artist did beautiful winged eyeliner. Like flawless. It was pretty heavy for every day makeup (in my opinion), but I was like, you know what … I got this. My liquid eyeliner game is still weak, but we all have to start somewhere. Why not now?

I attempt the first eye. Lord, have mercy. It’s rough. I was envisioning my end result to resemble a beautifully painted Egyptian princess. Think Cleopatra or something. You know, elegant, crisp lines, perfectly formed wing, accenting my sapphire blue eyes. You can see it too, right? Yeah. Well, reality struck and I got something closer to what looked like a drunk college girl was helping me do my wings. Needless to say, the first one did not take flight.

I wiped, or smeared rather, it across my temple in hopes of a clean canvas. Oy. It wasn’t pretty, but at least my wing was removed. I tried to repair it the best I could before moving to the second eye – why I thought trying it again was going to be any better is still beyond me. However, the second eye, while not sure it took flight either, definitely looked better than the first … which, if you saw it, isn’t saying much.

I’m looking at myself in the mirror, realizing I’m running late to pick up my girls, but also knowing that this is not proper Target makeup. I can’t go out looking like this. Then, I remember that in last night’s makeup tutorial, the artist mentioned that sometimes … sometimes … if your eyeliner is a little wonky, throwing on a good falsie can save the day. And guess who just so happened to have some falsies within reach? This girl!

I’m rolling my eyes at the fact that I even attempted this. The only successful eyelashes I’ve ever worn were applied by a professional. They were beautiful, and she made it look so easy. Slap on a little glue. Let it get slightly tacky and then stick it on your face. Easy, right? Girl. No.

I pull the first strip lash out of it’s box. I bent the damn thing in the process, so it legit had this weird crease on one end. I get out the glue … the glue is like two years old. I kid you not. If I wake up tomorrow with an awful eyelid rash, well … I guess I’ll have my cause. So, said glue is a super tiny tube with no indication of which end you should open. I, of course, open it upside down. Glue immediately runs out of the upside down tube on to my fingers.

I clean that up and am seriously like, Target or not, I really don’t have time for this nonsense. Then I catch yet another glimpse of the crap eyeliner on my freaking face. So, yes, I definitely had time … these lashes were going to cover my broken wings one way or another.

I smear this two year old glue on to the first strip of lashes and then I go for it. I have made contact with my real lashes (which are extremely blonde, by the way), and the strip seems to be staying. They’re on there and I’m amazed by my own abilities in this moment. I wait a few seconds, give my natural lashes a small wisp of mascara just so that they blend better (no blonde), and prepare for the second eye. I might add too, that oddly enough, they did help make the broken wing look not so broken.

At this point, I’m feeling overly confident.

I open the glue – right side up this time – and rub a little on the second strip, which I also bent taking out of the box. I swear, dude. Since the first lash application was so successful, I very confidently went in for the kill. Insert eye roll here. I missed my lashes. Missed them. As in, half of this strip is stuck on my eyelid.

I realize the error of my ways and try to adjust the lashes by grabbing the base (the part with the glue) and sticking them to my natural lashes. They stick to my finger nail instead, and I manage to rip the entire strip off my lashes. This is followed with me mumbling a few obscenities under my breath … because even Jesus-loving mommas curse sometimes.

I finally get the lashes securely fashioned to my face. Throw on one swoop of mascara to hide the blonde and I rush out the door. I’m in the pickup line at school and I drop down the visor mirror to check out my latest beauty endeavor. Something doesn’t look right with the second lash, and I realize that one end is not as secure as I thought. The outside corner is not attached. You know how sharks have two layers of teeth? Well, if they had eyelashes, they’d probably have two layers and it would have resembled what was going on with my left eye. I guarantee it. But, I’m in the car at this point. The glue is at home. The kids are hungry. I’m hungry. So, I’m hoping for the best as I embark on the rest of the afternoon.

Fast forward a few hours. After “dressing up” and having lunch, we head to Target. I legit spent as much time getting dressed up as I did in the actual store, I think. Either way, we had a good time and spent way too long ogling over cute baby clothes. As we’re leaving, we’re walking to the car, and y’all, I can feel my shark tooth lashes blowing in the breeze. I kid … you … not! They were legit flapping in the wind like a bad toupee.

I’m pretty sure, in that moment, I asked Jesus not to let my eyelash blow off and land on somebody. I squinted my left eye in hopes that it would somehow keep that little buddy intact.

I’m not sure if it was the prayer or the squinting, but here I sit, at 9:54 pm, with my falsies still hanging on, and my winged eyeliner still not taking flight.

It has been a long, long day. Who knew that eye makeup could be so tiring and so adventurous too? I really do hope to master winged eyeliner. Not so sure about those lashes though. I’ll leave those to the professionals.

Until next time, ladies.

Adrianne

Author: Adrianne

Momma x3. Coffee snob. Jesus follower. Microblading artist. Lover of wine & bearded men. American. Scorpio. Tattooed.

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